I’m sorry to be depressing but I just need to get this off my chest…

I am absolutely fed up with everything. Not just one thing or two things but everything.
I’m fed up of being the girl that everybody takes the piss out of. Yeah I laugh it off because at the time it’s funny and I’m not the type to get face on. But when everyday somebody’s finding another fault with you, it becomes degrading. I do one thing and people have to make comments because I don’t do it like they do or I say something that they wouldn’t. Yeah they take the piss out of other people too but most of the time it’s me. I hate myself enough as it is without everybody picking out things wrong with me.
That’s another thing. I actually hate myself. I’m repulsed by the way I look and how I am as a person. I want to be someone different that is pretty and has a boyfriend and lots of friends and people who love them no matter what they do. All I know is I don’t want to be me anymore. I make mistakes all the time. I fuck everything up. I’m clumsy. I’m thick. I revise for an exam and still manage to fail it when I thought I knew what I was doing. I always manage to upset someone. I put my foot in it and say things at the wrong time in the wrong place. My hair is always a mess. I never look nice. I have hardly any nice clothes because I never have enough money to buy what other people can. I’m a loudmouthed bitch that nobody likes. I laugh like a freak. I embarrass everybody who’s with me. I annoy everybody around me. I feel like people would feel better if I didn’t exist anymore. The world would probably be a better place if I didn’t exist anymore. Quiet and intact.
I laugh around people but cry when I’m on my own. Its rare you’ll see me upset but I don’t like to show that something’s bothering me. I’d rather keep smiling and deal with it another time. It’s hard being me. At one moment I’m happy, the next I’m depressed, the next I’m laughing, the next I’m crying.
I feel like nobody cares about me. Like they wouldn’t be bothered if something serious happened to me. I just think they’d say, ‘it’s only Emma, there’s no need to worry.’

I want somebody to love me for me. Somebody who would do anything for me and make everything seem so much better when everything feels like it’s falling apart. Have somebody miss me. I just want somebody I can talk to when I need it. Hold me while I cry. I just want to be loved without having to change.
I wish you’d speak to me. I don’t speak to you to annoy you. I do it because I want to talk to you but you’re starting to ignore me. I’ve decided to give up.

I want a new life. New place. New start. I don’t want to be me anymore. Being me is not a good thing. I’m ugly and pathetic and I don’t deserve anything in life. Something begins to turn around but then it all goes to shit again.

Yeah so there’s probably people that feel like me but I needed to just get it off my chest, you didn’t need to read it if it bothers you. You’ll think I’m pathetic and that I’m overreacting or that there’s kids dying of starvation somewhere in the world so I’m being selfish. I appreciate that but aren’t we allowed to feel a bit crap about things at times? Just because someone has it worse doesn’t mean I have to be happy 24/7.